Signal Eleven

Yep, it really does.

This post is made in order to avoid telling the same thing to 1000 people asking me “how’s it going? Are you graduating next month?” .  I wrote it quickly. It doesn’t have a structure. It’s a stream of thoughts with little or no filter. My English probably sucks more than the average. Be warned.

Today I flunked ODE (Ordinary Differential Equations). My last exam before graduation. I’ve got nothing to complain about, the grade is totally fair. It’s my fault.

I had 3 tests on this session, 20 credits. 2 down (15 creds), one standing. This semester was supposed to be my “cushion” semester. Kind of an extra time to “heal” the “wounds” I got on the road from first year to now.  Three, tough, exams, and plenty of time.  I failed to manage time. I procrastinated. Then I rushed. And then here I am.

Yesterday I felt like a runner on km 41. One, last kilometer to go. The asphalt became glue. Muscles not responding. Tunnel vision. Panic.

I realized I wasn’t going to make it, but I kept walking, not running. I got overtook by my “wingman”. Good for him.

It’s funny that I passed every single exam regarding Computer Science and I’m being held back by a PURE MATH exam, about stuff with little or no real use in my career.

Now what? Now what? My plans go as far as tomorrow night. I can’t even think straight right now. A couple of consequences come to mind: the Chicago Project is officially canceled. Well, it was ambitious, wasn’t it? Maybe it’s better off this way, maybe it’ll turn in something else. Who knows.

My plans for the master degree in Milano change too. And, right now, I do not have the energy to think about it. Any conclusion is biased by a mix of disappointment, anger. I’m exhausted. I need to rest.

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I know, I threw the stone and hid the hand (does this saying even exist in English?).

I haven’t been talking about my project because I’m quite busy with exams and graduat…er…nothing. Don’t want to jinx it, the situation is desperate enough without me talking about it.

Just a quick catch up:

• I paid the $60 application fee for international students. I ended up paying the bank 61,17 € (EURO!) for the process. A fracking robbery.

• I queued in my university offices for an official marks sheet, translated in english, with grades average. Since I’m not graduated yet, it was short of 3 exams, with an average lower than the requirements (req: 24/30. My avg: 23.82, now lowered by a stupid mark I got last week). Meeting the requirements is getting harder and harder.

• I sent a copy of my TOEFL score. (109/120. Come on. Dear UIC, unlike many other people applying, I might not have the average, but I do speak your language! Does that count?). For the records, the required score is 80.

• I started to think about money and, frankly, I got quite scared. Two semesters, 2 to 4 flights, an apartment, living expenses. As soon as I get my mind clear on this, I’ll post some numbers.

Things don’t look very good, to say the truth. The first derivative of my motivation is approaching -∞. Can’t really tell if an inflexion point is about to come. I can’t really compute the second derivative. (I haven’t been making this kind of low-tech calculus humor since high school).

Nevertheless, today I woke up early, packed up my documentation in a neat DHL envelope, and sent the stuff over to the windy city. (36 Freaking Euro, 2 days delivery)

Let’s keep the ball rolling and see what happens, I’m not giving up without a fight. A small fight.

Stay tuned, more to come.

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